Stat
Stat The things that make you do things, son! Primary Stat Strength Shiet son, you swole! This determines important things like how many kindergarteners you could beat up or how many flights of stairs you can heft that beer keg by yourself. This stat can be instantly doubled by holding a sword over your head and yelling 'by the power of Greyskull' in a booming, echoing, and slightly homo-erotic manner. For an added bonus, make sure to keep an animal companion that's more likely to just piss themselves at the sign of danger so you can turn them into a ferocious battle mount when your sword turns you super saiyin. Dexterity Ain't nobody can slam dat ball into dat hoop like you can! This stat determines how fast you can run from the cops after spray painting a subway car, how well you can make that bank shot to win a HORSE game against your buddies so you can rub it in, and whether or not you can do the Macarena. Constitution Fuck medicine! You's tough as nails! When this score is high it allows you to win arguements simply by being the last man standing after fists start flying and increases you ability to stomach your mother in laws meatloaf surprise. This stat can be added to by repeatedly punching yourself in the face, giving you 1/100th of a point for each time you idiotically hit yourself. Intelligence What is you, some kind of nerd? This stat determines how fast you can Google things before other people so you can make yourself sound smart. It also let's you bake a soufle for some goddamn reason. Wisdom Just because you know a wasp gonna fuck you up doesn't mean you won't still swat it. This stat prevents you from making wasps angry at you. Then again wasps are always angry at you because they're wasps so this pretty much does nothing, really. Charisma You don't always have a dump stat, but when you do it's not charisma. This determines how good you are at getting your social on, whether or not a country pop star will write a song about breaking up with you, and how many drinks you require before that ogre at the other end of the bar starts to actually look attractive. Second Stat (Stat Deux) Health Healthcare? The fuck is that?! This will determine how good your coverage is under the Obamallamacare plan. The higher your score the less you have to co-pay. Spell Resistance Gramr? U dun nede no dam gramr! This stat will determine how fast you can type in internet shorthand and send texts to your BFF Jill while eating a hot dog. Deodorant No need to shower. Just some Brute with Fabrege. This will determine how well you can bullshit people into not knowing you haven't washed in weeks. Initiative Fuck this. Nobody has this. Movement Nobody can bust out the moves like you can, son! This stat determines how easily you could totally pwn some douche in a dance off. Return of the Stat Weight Limit Goddamnit Larry! We TOLD you the ladder can only hold 300 pounds and you went up it anyway! Now we have to go out to the fucking Depot and buy another one. Shit Larry! Just go home you're drunk anyways! Save Ain't nobody got as many coupons clipped as you! This determines whether or not you can succeed at getting that buy one get one free deal at Burrito World. Fortiitude Take a licking and keep on motherfuckin ticking! With a high score in this stat, you can withstand any horrible smell. Even Uncle Stan's meatloaf surprise farts. Reflex Aaaaaaaaaaw yeah you got game, son! This will help determine how well you can avoid rampaging 3 year olds, whether or not you can get the last beer before Larry does, and how well you can dodge that pissy wasp you stupidly just tried to swat. Will Fire at it.